Lately I've been hearing a lot about cancer from:
People being investigated for cancer.
People who have a brand new diagnosis of cancer.
People whose cancer has recurred.
People whose loved ones have died of cancer.
I do not know if this is because I'm getting older or because there's more cancer out there. It might because I've been public about my own cancer diagnosis and I've been lucky enough to acquire whole new community of friends who have been touched by cancer.
It doesn't really matter why.
The important part is that there are many people sitting in anxiety waiting for a cancer diagnosis or who are undergoing horrible cancer treatment. Their worst nightmare might have come true because their cancer has returned. Or they may have a loved one who has died of cancer.
I wrote about what I needed during treatment when I was in the thick of cancer treatment called Just Show Up.
I'm adding to this with a reflection on my best practical advice for supporting someone who is living under the dark cloud of cancer. It comes from what helped me when I was diagnosed, going through cancer treatment and its aftermath. I've included links to resources that helped me.
No matter what crap someone else's cancer brings up for you, or how afraid you are of saying the wrong thing, please don't ghost people who have cancer. There's nothing more painful than watching friends and extended family disappear into thin air when you tell them you have cancer. Just because you don't know how to comfort someone, ghosting someone is the absolute worst thing to do. Ghosting them and then reappearing when their treatment is over? That's an especially shitty strategy.
Some ideas about what gestures provide comfort? Here's what I appreciated. These ideas won't work for everybody. Please adapt to your own loved one. -Texts to say I'm thinking of you, with the caveat that you don't expect a response back. -Remembering important dates, like appointments and scans, and following up to see how things went (again, without requiring a response). -Cards and gifts sent at different intervals. I was grateful for the mountain of mail I received when I was first diagnosed. but little tokens were appreciated during and after treatment too. -Thoughtful gifts for me included kick-ass socks, books, coffee cards, blankets, homemade food and meal prep services for my family.
I often sat at the cancer agency waiting room alone. It still brings up a great amount of sorrow when I think the depth of this loneliness. My husband - who ironically worked for a health authority - had no paid sick/caregiving time and had to work, especially because I wasn't. Mortgages still had to be paid and groceries still had to be bought. My appointments were during the day during the week and my friends were busy with their lives. It is extremely difficult to ask for help when you are so vulnerable. Saying, I'll come with you on this day to this appointment helps lift the burden off the sick person to ask for help and risk rejection.
Find out what practical things people are most worried about. For me, it was who was going to drop off and pick up my son from school. Sign up for shifts for specific tasks like looking after kids, walking dogs, picking up groceries or cleaning the house.
I could write a book (and I have haha) about the hurtful things said to me during cancer. "It is just your turn to get cancer." "You have the good kind of cancer." "Maybe you will live a healthier life now." If you are thinking of dismissing or minimizing a cancer diagnosis, just don't. The worst comments are the patient-blaming ones. I don't need to hear your opinion about my weight or physical activity level. Or worse, the unscientific chatter about the use of deodorants, or wearing a bra or warming up my food in plastic containers in the microwave. Choose your words carefully. As an added bonus, here is a reprint of a classic article from the LA Times about How Not To Say The Wrong Thing.
The psycho-social support of people with cancer in cancer hospitals is dismal, at least where I live in Canada. Cancer does not end when treatment does. People do not get 'back to normal.' Life for them has changed. There are wonderful organizations that help fill that terrible gap. Help folks to find post-cancer support, like Callanish Society or Wellspring Cancer Support. Be patient with people while they heal. Don't expect them to get over it. We all wear our cancer identities in difference ways. Give people safe spaces to talk about their experience, even years later. All cancer patients are scarred by cancer treatment in some way. Staring down your own mortality changes you forever. Please make the time to understand this.
What people who are sick need most is tenderness and practical action - from professionals working in the health care system and from friends and family. And please, if you remember nothing else from this essay, please remember these words: Just Show Up. To those grappling with cancer? My hope for you is that you can find some peace in your heart during this terrible awful time. xo.
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