i’m a difficult mom

difficult

Me as a mom in the hospital

I once got up in front of an audience of clinicians and announced: I am a difficult mom. I added, if your child was hospitalized, you’d be a difficult mom too.

I was on a mission to change the way family ‘complaints’ were viewed at this children’s hospital. When I resigned from my position last year, this work was left half-undone. I hope it has continued.

My assertion was this: what if family complaints were seen as constructive feedback? What if we, as staff, sought out this feedback and saw complaints as wisdom? And then we applied wisdom from families that grew from difficult situations to improving the quality of care at the hospital?  This was a common-sense, but revolutionary notion.

I drew a fancy process chart with a narrative to encourage a standardized way for staff and managers to respond to constructive feedback. I suggested that all staff – including those in clerical positions – especially those in clerical positions – be offered ‘conflict management training’ to prevent issues from escalating. This type of training teaches things like, ‘saying yes instead of no,’ – and customer service concepts. While the term ‘customer’ makes many folks shudder, think about if those who work in health care are committed to care and service. Drop the word ‘customer’ and then you can simply think about serving patients and families instead.

But first, I had to share my story in the auditorium packed with hospital staff about how I’d been a difficult mom. As with most of my talks, my intention was for the staff to see themselves reflected in my words. I asked them to think how they would respond if they had a concern when their loved one was in the hospital. I can’t imagine that most health professionals would be meek and compliant family members.

I explained how it felt to be a mom in the hospital: You may well be catching families when they are at a low point in their grief. I once had a wise physician tell me she teaches medical students that anger is often masking fear.   Often anger is misdirected. Families may be seeking a diagnosis, reeling from a catastrophic accident and worn down by the system.

I talked about the reasons why families can be challenging partners:

  • Loss of control
  • Fear
  • Pain
  • Grieving
  • Information overload
  • Feeling hopeless
  • Cultural differences with staff, leading to staff assumptions and miscommunication
  • Fear of negatively affecting their child’s care if they speak up

There are certain practical things can make this worse. Lack of sleep. No coffee. Being hungry. Worry about other kids at home. Worry about money and work. Compound that with stress about their beloved child-patient and you create a difficult situation, not a difficult family, says this article called Difficult Families?

I gently suggested: please pause and always consider how families are feeling. You might not be able to put yourself in their shoes, but move towards a kinder understanding of their perspective. One lesson I learned from my divorce was ‘don’t poke the bear.’ Why make angry people angrier? There is no healing in that.

I had been introduced to many families at the hospital in the midst of their ‘complaint’ process. I didn’t want to be the complaint lady – instead, I wanted to teach staff how to prevent complaints themselves and that’s by being patient and family centred.   I wanted to suggest how to respond to negative feedback when it inevitably occurs. (I think we can all agree that hospitals are not perfect places). This is my ‘teach a person to fish’ philosophy. Immediately shuffling families off to some complaint lady only minimizes their concerns, absolves staff of any responsibility and teaches folks nothing.

The staff just didn’t know what to do with these families. They felt defensive and took negative feedback personally. This is human nature. Some wrote families off as ‘difficult’ or ‘hysterical,’ which is an easy way to stereotype and dehumanize people so you don’t have to think of them as people anymore. It is good to pause to notice if we are categorizing people and why.

I shared some of my personal approach to partnering with families who had constructive feedback. (And if we think of it, wouldn’t all families and patients have constructive feedback after an experience, if we only we were brave enough to ask them? Why do we wait until they bubble up as ‘complaints’?).

Sue’s Philosophy For Staff Working Families Who Have ‘Complaints’

  1. Check in with how you are feeling. Don’t judge your feelings but be aware of them. Take some deep breaths. Go for a walk before you pick up the phone or meet with families if you can.
  2. Don’t delay responding to the family. Delays make things fester.
  3. Avoid escalations over email.  Be respectful and suggest meeting in person if possible. (See #7).
  4. Consider framing complaints as constructive feedback and being open to learning in order be better – both personally and professionally.  We can all improve.
  5. Consider how constructive feedback can feed into quality improvement activities to improve the experience for future families.
  6. In this purely unscientific approach, I found that the root of 90% of ‘complaints’ was that people didn’t feel listened to, so….
  7. Start by setting a warm tone for authentic listening. Consider meeting outside the hospital, going to the families in their own communities – at their homes or a local coffee shop. Give families choice in when and were they would like to meet.  Don’t drag them into the hospital again.
  8. Suspend the notion of being a fixer and show up as a healer instead.
  9. It is okay to say I’m sorry.
  10. It is okay to say I don’t know.
  11. Ask the family what they’d like to see as a solution.
  12. Follow up and do the things you promised to do.
  13. Consider asking the family if they’d like to share their wisdom with others in some way. In my experience, in time, families with ‘complaints’ have the most valuable lessons to teach to Grand Rounds, medical students, committees and councils (if they so want). Many families have a strong need to improve situations in the system so they don’t happen to other families too.
  14. Take care of yourself after challenging situations at work.  Engage in reflective practice techniques, thinking about how things went and how you would make them better next time.  Do not forget to be kind to yourself too.

There’s no research behind my philosophy. There’s just 24 years of being a mom and thinking about how I wished I was treated when I was speaking up for my children (and more recently, advocating for myself as a patient). I’ve been ignored, minimized, blacklisted and dismissed over the years. While this feels crappy because I like to be liked, I still don’t regret speaking up.

As Audre Lorde says: When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.

It is up to those working in systems to honour all voices, not just the positive ones. You can’t be heroes all of the time. But every single person who works in health care can be a healer.  Please, help us heal.  Don’t turn away from our suffering.  You might just learn something from what we have to say.

For more on constructive approaches, read Yona Lunsky’s How to move from competing to complementary perspectives and Donna Thomson’s How We Go From Competent Caregiver to Family From Hell.

 

One thought on “i’m a difficult mom

  1. championsforwellness says:

    Oh my gosh, Sue, THIS. Thank you for putting this into words.

    “Some wrote families off as ‘difficult’ or ‘hysterical,’ which is an easy way to stereotype and dehumanize people so you don’t have to think of them as people anymore. It is good to pause to notice if we are categorizing people and why.”

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